The “Why”
Yesterday was an eye-opener for me. After writing and posting my blog post to social media, I experienced several moments of stress and imposter syndrome. The question that kept arising was, “Why?”
Why did I need to post it? I've realized I do not like attention—or sometimes I do want it, but not too much. Or maybe I just assume all attention is negative because I do realize I'm judgmental of others. That last blog post brought out a lot of feelings for me and self-realization.
Firstly, I think it stems from my parents, that I am judgemental of others. People post so much of their lives and give strangers so much access, and I being the observant person, watch and judge! So to combat anyone judging me, I keep everything to myself. Of course, I keep any Ls to myself, but I also just keep everything in so no one can cast the same judgment on me. But the thing about it is, after I judge them, I don’t think about it anymore. The crazy thing is, that I don’t think about them anymore, no one is thinking about me. No one is thinking about me.
I came to the realization that I care way too much about what people think of me. For some reason, I try to keep up a certain persona or demeanor about myself. In addition to that, I am afraid of being embarrassed. I don’t like being talked to crazy and I don’t like being singled out. It’s a horrible fear to have to be creative. I’m too concerned about how people feel about something important to me.
Important to me.
No one else. It’s something that I feel I have to work on as I continue my journey of being creative. I can’t be concerned about other people's thoughts. Period. So as soon as I posted on Twitter that my blog was live, I immediately was anxious about people knowing what my plans were. When it comes down to it, I know a lot of people didn’t even look. No one is keeping tabs on me. And again, no one cares. I was worried someone would see that I had these plans and judge me if I didn’t stick to them. I have to let all that go. While I don’t plan on posting all of my blogs, it will still be able to be seen. Again I asked, “Why did it need to be seen?” It’s my experience, and who knows who could possibly be going through something similar and will benefit from my story.
A co-worker/friend (I’m going to call her my friend because I like her and she inspires me) has a video on TikTok about a book called Big Magic. Essentially (what I took from her explanation) the author is explaining how people need to simply exist in the moment and create whatever they want to create. Escape from the need for perfection and the other voices that try to hinder you, and simply get your creations out there. It was such a wonder to see her speak about that when I'm having the same thoughts about myself and needing to get out of my own way and just do it; as Nike says so often. Who cares if it’s not perfect. Who cares what others will think. The ultimate goal is e have satisfaction with myself and what I have created.
To circle back to the friend, she has a podcast where she talks about various subjects and interviews different people. She puts a new episode out every week and to hear that; I was amazed. 1. How do you have the time. 2. How do you commit? 3. How?
It was and still is mind-boggling that she committed to it. I don’t know how many listeners she has or if she has sponsors but what I do know is she has the drive to keep creating every week. It’s so admirable. I saw she was doing that and I much as wanted to think, “Yeah, I can do the same with my writing,” It wasn’t until earlier this week that I hit the wall and really said I had to change.
I want to get to a place, like the author said in Big Magic, where I simply create because it’s in me. If it reaches others; fine. So be it. If not, I'm doing this for the joy that I have for the art. I used to think I had to be in a hard place to be able to create; because it was an escape. I don’t want this to only be an escape. I want it to be a release. I want it to be a charger. If it is truly a passion I want to dive into it and feel submerged by the emotions, feelings, and drive I receive from it.
Lastly, we went into the office today and another coworker of mine slid in her chair over to me and told me she was on chapter 4 of my novel. She said she was thoroughly enjoying and had so many questions, but would continue reading,and would give me feedback. The whole convo made my day. Just two days ago I was questioning if writing was my thing, and then this happened. While I can’t let that be the determining factor of if I continue to be a writer, it certainly gave me some motivation to continue finding out. I don’t think things like that or much of anything else are a coincidence. While I get my thoughts out, I pray and ask God to reveal what I should do with my creative gifts and to help me with my creativity. I do believe these are signs and I hear them loud and clear.
I’ll continue on this journey. There doesn’t always need to be a “why?” I’m doing it for me.
